Dear John Q. Public,

It would be helpful for me if you could take note of a few minor things today:

--If your underage friend is 'hypothetically' drunk, but was just 'hypothetically' stabbed, yes, officers are going to come over. And paramedics. Even if you try to assure me this is only a 'hypothetical' situation and you just want to know if your friend would get an alcohol ticket.

--Reporting a street light that hasn't come one for 2 days in your neighborhood is not a 911 situation

--Neither is your missing dog

--Neither is wanting to know if your scumbag ex-boyfriend has warrants or not

--Come to think of it, if there is not blood, flames, weapons, or immediate danger to yours or someone else's life, it is NOT a 911 situation.

--Do you remember 10 seconds ago, when YOU called ME? Voluntarily? Ok. Good. Since nobody forced you to dial this number and you are likely calling to ask for help with something, maybe lets not start out the conversation by you screaming at me.

--If you steal a car, and later it gets impounded because an officer finds it in your parking lot and sees that it is stolen, probably it is not a good idea to call 911 to report the car that you stole, stolen.

--Please Please Please Please stop letting your baby play with your cell phone. Yes, it rings through to 911. No, it is not cute or funny that your baby did that, and it is not amusing to me when I call you back. (this part isn't just me whining. This really is huge problem, it frequently ties up 911 lines so people with real emergencies cannot get through. )

--If I ask you your address, ALL I need to know at this point is your address. I don't need to know what your sisters husbands mom did five years ago to piss you off which has resulted in years of family feuding and thats why you punched your father yesterday. Juuuust your address.

--I can make peace with some people not knowing their license plates. There is no excuse to not know the color and type of vehicle you are currently driving. When I ask you the color, I am looking for one of the following: red, blue, green, black, white, yellow, purple, orange, silver, etc. "Graphite charcoal" is gray. "Mystic amethyst" is purple. Tan is a perfectly good word if your car is a "silvery brownish almond color". If you tell me your car looks like "a silver car, sitting under a very green tree with the sun filtering the green down" I am going to call it light green and then make fun of you when I hang up the phone.

--You locked your keys in your car. You did not lock them out of your car. If you had, you wouldn't need our help today, would you?

Whew, I think thats all for now. Thanks for your time!


(It's 9 am. I have been at work for 3 hours. Anyone want to venture a guess on how its going this morning?)